Shame: The Secret that Nobody Talks About
Chrissy Orson
Shame: The Secret that Nobody Talks About
Shame is powerful and often sits quietly in the background, chipping away at how we see ourselves and connect with others. It can stop us from opening up in therapy, even though those hidden pieces are often the most important for healing.
But it doesn’t need to be that way…
What is Shame?
I often describe it to clients alongside guilt. If guilt is an emotion that says “I did something bad”, shame is one that says “I am bad” or “there is something wrong with me”. It can leave us feeling unworthy or undeserving of love and support.
For many of my clients, shame was ‘gifted’ to them in childhood through family dynamics, cultural expectations, trauma, bullying or relationship breakdowns. Kids often believe “it must be my fault,” and that belief can stick. Shame then grows in silence because we’re too ashamed to talk about it.
It makes us hide parts of ourselves and believe that if others knew the ‘truth’ about us then they would hate, turn away from or abandon us.
It might differ from therapist to therapist or coach to coach, but for me personally, I couldn’t give a monkey’s about the language you use. Plus, you’d really have to go some to shock me! I’ve worked in mental health hospitals, prisons, schools and children’s homes – there is quite literally nothing I’ve not heard!
How it Shows up in Therapy
Even when we’ve made the brave decision to seek help, shame can still tag along to the party.
You might feel your problems aren’t serious enough, worry your therapist is judging you, struggle to share past experiences or think you’re weak for needing support.
It can be especially true that people feel shame for entering therapy where clients have seen or experienced stigma or silence around mental health.
Working Through Shame
As therapists, we understand how painful and how common shame is. We work with it gently by:
- Noticing and naming it when shame shows up.
- Validating your feelings rather than dismissing or ‘silver-lining’ them. There’s no point in me saying “It wasn’t your fault”, if that is how it feels to you.
- Helping you explore where the shame comes from and what keeps it alive.
- Encouraging self-compassion.
My role isn’t to judge or minimise, by to help your untangle what you’ve been carrying.
Moving Beyond Shame
The good news is that shame can be worked through. Some first steps:
- Talk about it: Shame feeds off silence and darkness. Bringing it into the open can take away some of its power.
- Being heard: Having someone listen and sit with you in your most painful feelings, rather than trying to fix, distract or ‘jolly’ you out of it can be deeply healing.
- Challenge old beliefs: Therapy can help you explore whether those beliefs are really true, and to understand where they come from.
- Rebuilding connections: Shame makes us want to hide. The therapeutic process can help bring us back into connection with others, and with ourselves
You’re Not Alone
If shame has kept you from therapy or made you hold back, you’re not the only one. With the right support, those feelings can feel less overwhelming. Shame often tells us to keep quiet, but as Brené Brown says, shame needs secrecy, silence and judgement to survive. Sharing your experience with someone who listens can loosen its grip.
You don’t need to have it all figured out to begin — just the courage to take that first step. Why not contact me or Becky to see how we could support you?
I also highly recommend Brené Brown’s TED Talk Listening to Shame: Watch here.”*